It's a brand new day, the sun rises. The flowers are in bloom and usher in the new season, your first breath of fresh air in a long time - or so it feels like. You're excited, they're excited, we're excited. The experiences feel so surreal to us and it's all so very exciting. Your stride lengthens, your pace quickens and your heart beats just a little faster as that cool air sweeps the oppressive heat of the sun away. I'm not excited, not even in the slightest. What seems like such a surreal experience for many is another notch on the wall for me. An evergrowing tally of the days passed, a small and insignificant notchmark on a prison wall stained with graffiti.
I honestly wish I could tell you why, that I could tell myself why. That I could reach out and grasp the answer lingering before me and say "this is it"... And each and every time I reach out to grasp this answer - every time I seek it so desperately - the simple fact that I'm grabbing at flames eludes me. It stings, and my hands soon grow numb from the flames licking them. Given time, the pain subsides leaving no more than a fresh scar and another opportunity to be burned once more. By now, there's a part of me that doesn't really want the answer.
As I'm sure you're all aware I'm together with my fiance once more. As unpopular a decision it may be amongst the vast majority of my friends it was something I needed to do. Whilst I know you all worry for my sanity over matters such as these, I still love them deeply and I'm more than willing to overlook our transgressions in order to be reunited once more. I'm conflicted on the matter... because while part of me can't help but smile when the subject is brought up there's always the nagging reminder of what I've forsaken in the process. Trust. Personally I'm not sure how any of you can trust me at this point, on any matter. As well intentioned as I may be at times I am still a wholly bitter person. A venemous snake slithering through the tall grass, ready to strike at the most unexpected moments.
My ability to sleep has deteriorated sharply over the past month, and I costantly find myself waking up during the middle of the night. I've become horribly dependant on coffee as of late but I suppose that's nothing new, seeing as I've always had a strong preference to caffeine. Still, it's not a pleasant feeling to have to work whilst your legs feel like they're giving out beneath you from a lack of energy. I've managed to reign in my expenses a little more to try and save up money for other things, though it's still a very trying process. It seems like for every step I take forward, I end up taking two steps back.
At least it's something, right?
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