Dread.

How much of a surprise should it be that I'm writing yet another negative entry into this blog? Well, it shouldn't come as any surprise really considering that this is ~my blog after all. My little stow-away for all my dirty secrets and pent-up feelings that I can no longer hold and bottle up inside. Life has been... I don't know, honestly. A mess, it has it's moments where everything seems to be going my way and then it just takes a turn for the worse. I think I'm just destined not to do certain things or go certain places, and that even when I have but the best of intentions and do all I can, it ends up biting me in return.

Where do I start? I guess a good point to start on would be my once-again return to being single, which really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I don't really have much to say on this one honestly, everything seemed to be going great, and fine.. And then it just, sort of went to hell. It seemed like in the flash of a moment everything that was good suddenly became awful. Everything was fine, and then out of the blue he mentions in the most casual fashion that he had been watching his friends while they were being "naughty". Logically, I asked naughty how, and just.. Yeah.. He said it wasn't anything sexual, and I believed him, I bought into that 100%... But I was still mad, and upset.. So I just, ignored him. Hours turned to days, and days turned into a week before I broke the silence and talked to him once more.. But by that time? I no longer had anything to say. I know longer knew what to say, how to communicate.

...So I broke it off. I ended it, politely. We still kept contact, but we didn't really talk much.. Things seemed to be on the right track to fixing themselves until, well.. My birthday. I had a lot of friends who made happy memories with me on that day, and I'm so, so grateful to them but.. On that day, I found out that I had misunderstood everything. It was absolutely something sexual, and I had misinterpreted his words, he was not mentioning it casually or anything of the sort, no. On my birthday I found out that he was actually inviting me to watch two of his ex's doing things with eachother with him. It's just, weird, and fucked up and just. I don't know. I called him a pig, and that was the end of it. I talked to him earlier, to see if he understood why I was upset and just. Really, I don't even know, it just felt like six months meant nothing to him and he didn't care. It didn't really seem to bother him at all, and he didn't really get the fucking reason why you just.. DON'T do things like that to someone.

*Sighs* Well, whatever. Shortly after I went on to make a close friend of mine feel more than a little second rate by being the blabby idiot I am. There's times where you just need to shut up and accept things, and this was one of those moments and.. Guess what? I didn't, so I ended up fucking that up and was crying at work that night.. The next day? Oh, surprise! You failed to meet social obligations with your family (You work full time and sleep during the day, but GOD FORBID you sleep during the day and don't answer the door) so now you're going to be threatened with violence. So, day 2) I get threatened by my brother and his shitty girlfriend (Who acts nice but I'm 99% positive hates my guts) who are going to "punch me in the throat and strangle me". So, yup. Go into work, and break down crying while working, again, thank god I work alone mostly. I don't know, it's just upsetting with that especially because I moved with them, and they wanted to just push me in a basement and forget about me I guess. There's not even a window down there, and it's a fucking dungeon, and yet I'm supposed to pay a third of the rent? Nope. Nope. Fuck you. I still moved in but I got a bedroom, but it's nice to know what they fucking think of me. Something to be exploited for money and forgotten about.

Next day? I find out that my old coworker, a close friend of mine died. So... That was great, just.. I don't even know, it was from a heart attack and he wasn't that old either. He was a great guy, and just.. Fuck, life sucks with some of these things. Apparently it was an open-casket funeral and his wife was fucking laughing and making jokes about it, and just.. Grggh. So, wonderful... Just, fantastic.

So, now I'm single and the only person I'm really romantically interested in has found someone else that they're going to get with. I just sort of smiled, nodded my head and said "Well, what's most important is what makes you happy." and I mean that's true, it's absolutely true, and I honestly feel that way. Their happiness is way more important to me than any one of my selfish desires but still it hurts, you know? To have that sort of.. Specific longing or interest in a person, only to find that you're not going to get anything tangible out of it. I could lie and say I'm done with relationships, and honestly I really do feel that way, but we all know how easy it is for me to get tangled up in another one. I guess I'm just lonely by nature.

Anyways.. That's all I really want to talk about for now.