I guess it's about time that I sat down and actually decided to write. It's not like I didn't want to write or didn't have the time to write, just a general form of procrastination. I could never be bothered, even if I had nothing better to do. That's one of my main character faults I guess, vices, etcetera. Motivation. I really don't have any, my motivation literally consists of me well just... Pushing myself into doing something. Basically a harder mental slap that says "Just do it already." I'm not the best person when it comes to self talk to say the least. This became very apparent when my therapist tried to make me say something 'motivating' in terms of self talk and I just sort of well... Sat there for fifteen minutes not really saying anything and going "I guess" to all her suggestions.
That doesn't matter too much though as I've moved again and I am no longer really able to see my therapist.
Moving. It seems to happen a lot, my sister screwed me over completely in many ways. The rent just kept going up at her place and I was more or less covering for bad financing on the behalf of her boyfriend who is... Very much still a bachelor even though he shouldn't be at this stage and perpetuates that he is not. It basically started going up when he decided I wasn't doing anything about my medical problems, when I was actually waiting for a phonecall. It irks me less than it should to be honest, I have 420$ to my name right now and a month to find a job before that's widdled away. To be honest, I have had three solid weeks where I could have looked for work now but I just didn't. Again, motivation. Whenever I legitimately did intend to actually set out something came up, my eye started hurting specifically. Bad enough that I had to go back to bed, that's the second time this has happened to me.
Eyes. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I'm losing my vision. Not overly dramatic or anything but things are slowly losing detail and getting fuzzier. I'm having more and more trouble seeing things that are far away or reading the finite details or labels on things over 15 feet away. I should probably get glasses or something but to be honest I don't care enough. I can still see far enough and clear enough that it doesn't present a real issue to me. I guess in a sense it does, but really... Whatever. I feel guilty in a way, well. I don't. But, I am in a position where it was likely I would feel guilt under normal circumstances. That is because I've been neglecting myself in a lot of ways, just the small things. In terms of my social life, my sleep schedule, my income, my vision.
At the same time I've also felt oddly refreshed. I guess that's the anxiety medication kicking in, but whatever. It's an interesting feeling, I don't know how to describe it to be honest... I just feel, clean. I guess you could say. As to the SSRI that I'm taking it's no major deal, I am sure most of you are aware of this by now. I have been prescribed two, but one is for emergencies. There's only been one time where I should have taken one, but... The medication wasn't with me so I guess that didn't work out. The only side effect I get from the medication I'm taking is dreams. I don't dream often, at all... Really, I go to sleep and I wake up. That's it, it feels like a split second has gone by.. But now I've been constantly dreaming of boring and mundane things. Things that do not make sense and things that I can't make sense of.
The annoying part is they build to a climax before halting entirely as I become conscious. They just freeze entirely, and wither away. A still image with no sound that stays until I open my eyes. I guess they're just dreams so it doesn't matter too much as is.
This has a depressive tone to it already, I guess. Go figure, I am depressed. There is no two ways around that and it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Lack of energy. Lack of motivation. Lack of social interest. Lack of response to external stimuli. I do not feel, though. Sorrow is a concept that is beyond me, my brain inhibited from grasping and utilizing the processes involved. Medication does this. It's not a bad thing, as I am no longer sad nor am I in a state where I am sad or guilty for not being able to feel. I guess you can say it's made me largely indifferent. I simply have a lack of caring, carefree maybe? I'm honestly writing this because I have nothing to do. Not because I feel the need to express or explain myself. I suppose it's also because I have some sort of obligation, I used to write almost weekly here and I've let it die for quite some time to the point where people have even stopped pestering me to make a blog post.
If there is an emotion within my grasp it would have to be contempt, or annoyance maybe. Envy, as well as happy. Happy is a strange thing, it is fleeting. But I think it's more than just happy, you need to break the spectrum down. "Are you happy?" is far too broad a term, I would say "I am pleased." despite the fact that the negatives outweigh the positives right now. I have no intention of going off my medication, by the way. Please don't suggest such a thing, I know some of you may be inclined to do that. I would go through withdrawal for one (Which really, is just me getting incredibly lightheaded all the time. I was off it for a week due to a pharmaceutical miscommunication) and second of all it has helped me considerably. My anxiety is manageable for me now and I'm no longer afraid of certain things. Going to bed, for instance. I was deathly afraid of laying in bed because I knew that my mind would wander to topics I would rather not discuss.
I would rather not discuss them, not because I hold them as deeply personal and feel I am incapable of sharing, but simply because of the amount of feedback I would receive. I don't care for the spotlight or attention all the time, I'm not that kind of person. Give me the low-lit sidelines so I can sit and mope in them, and look kind of trendy in the process. That is what I would much rather do, than be the center of attention everyone is concerned about. Though I guess in writing this blog, I am my own antithesis aren't I?
I start my day, I wake up. I prepare my pills. Kind of weird, that I take them with such consistency when I am horrible at getting in and out of habit. Cipralex. Two supplements, one is some fishoil thing. The other is general. Vitamin C supplement. Fibre supplement, 3. No ruffage allowed in diet. Avoid dark coloured liquids. Drink 2L of water per day. I have a hospital appointment on the 20th for a colonoscopy and gastroscopy. It will take four hours, I get sedated for the process so I don't particularly care... I'm unconscious. What I am not looking forward to is drinking 4L of Colgyte in 5 hours. Meh. Got a prescription for Nifedipine or something as well. Some yellow ointment stuff.
Waiting for a call back from a specialist now, they've received my referral and some such or whatever. I will likely have to try and find a new therapist in the area seeing as I have moved. And yes, I moved back in with my parents. There was a miscommunication it seems, I don't know what to make of any of it to be honest. Personally I don't particularly care to find out about the details... It's all he said she said my word against yours anyways. There's no real method of being scientific and precise when it's peoples viewpoints and opinions on the line. Especially when it's an emotional issue, so I've just sort of distanced myself from the whole thing.
Dale said something interesting to me that I never really thought about. He said that Rio had a fanclub and that Sam did as well... So why didn't I? I never thought about it to be honest, I guess nobody went out of their way to make me one. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I probably wouldn't even join it. I guess I'm overly self-conscious like that, it would make me feel very vain. I personally don't feel like I'm deserving of fanclub praise or something. Maybe I'm a good person, or nice, or whatever. But I think I'm fairly run-of-the-mill. An eccentric introvert who's had a rough life. It's fairly generic, I guess we all are in our own little way though. Needless to say, I don't think just being an OK or good person is worthy of having a fanclub or something.
I've been playing Katawa Shoujo obviously, I like the writing quite a bit. I'm iffy about replaying it to be honest, just because of how much I liked Hanako's course. I guess I'm just sort of weird like that, it feels strange to pursue another path or whatever. Anyways, it's free, it's like an interactive visual novel. The writing is clever and made me laugh several times and connect with the characters. There is adult content, but it's incredibly tasteful and not fanservice in the slightest. It's only near the end of the path and you can toggle it, but it's just character building or depth. Something I can actually connect with, since it's portrayed very realistically and not at all in a pornographic fashion. Go download it, seriously. For fun I've decided to take on a Hanako persona for a little.
I guess this will do for now, the post itself feels relatively dry but I really don't care to write much more than what I have.
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