Waking Up

Ten months.

Ten months or close to since I last made an entry on this blog, it's likely nobody will even see this post but I feel the need to write it anyways, this base compulsion chewing at me and screaming to get out so... Here I am writing a blog post after an entire year of silence has just about passed. I know one person who will find themselves upon this post perhaps in bewilderment or awe that I actually wrote anything. You know who you are, my most dedicated reader. Sometimes I catch myself wondering what I ever did to deserve that sort of attention but I suppose I should be humbled, stop worrying and say thank you. It's not often we talk, but I do enjoy the moments when we do and I'm truly honoured to be graced with your attention. While a new post might require some sort of celebration, right now it's really not in me. The reason I write blog posts is generally to vent, explain issues and all those sorts of things so it should come as no surprise that I'm about to do exactly that.

I awoke, shaking, shivering, my form bare for the darkness to gaze upon with icy daggers of hate. It was quiet, deathly quiet as if the entire world had come to a halt; and I was scared. Scared because of the spectres that had visited, that had haunted me so recently, striking nightmares into my dreams and making me feel afraid, and alone. Though I recognize them as dreams, dreams that robbed me of sleep and mood I still can't seem to shake the twinges of fear they wrought even ten hours after the fact. They were real, very, very real to me... It's seldom I dream but when I do they tend to be very vivid, and they are always things I've no control over. For the most part these things play out innocently enough but there are still nights here and there where I am plagued by terror. It wasn't, anything particularily scary by most accounts, not.. The first one, at least.

I was at work, as I usually am... Milling about, minding my own when a man came in. I'm not sure what really stood out about him, his dirty brown leather jacket or his disheveled hair but he was threatening, intensely threatening and I was powerless to stop him. He did as he liked, went in the back room because he felt like it and just, I don't know? Like I said, it wasn't anything particularily scary but to me, it was terrifying because I was powerless to his demands. My input was irrelevant and didn't matter, and regardless of how I may have protested, screamed or shouted at him to leave he wouldn't. I guess this ties in to my second nightmare, which was much more... Vivid, visceral, and terrifying. I don't really want to... Delve into detail about it, but it played off of something that had once happened to me in the past before. Though this time was not angry threats and pressure, it was crude animal violence that tore at me on such a personal level that by the time I managed to shake myself awake the only thing I wanted to do was curl up in a corner somewhere, and hide.

I've calmed down a little bit by now I guess, but... I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest, as if talking about it would somehow lessen the impact of my night terror. As for my life, my life has been... Good. I have few complaints, there's the usual nonsense with my family of course but I'm sure they'll come around given time. My financial situation has improved substantially and I'm finally going to be able to buy myself a pair of glasses (Doing that friday, in fact!). I'm full time, I'm appreciated for my work and I recieve alright pay as well as benefits (which seriously helps me out with the prescriptions I have). My voice therapist has also finally gotten back to me and set up sessions, it'll be a bit... tiring with how my work schedule is laid out and when the appointments are but I'm excited (and nervous) at the same time. I feel like I'm really starting to make headway with some of this stuff. My sister came up to visit, too. It wasn't anything exceptional really just sort of hanging out. I bought some tea - which I'm currently enjoying - and we went clothes-shopping and other such nonsense.  All in all I'd say it was nice, even though it was only for a day.

In the more amorous spheres of my life I've also been doing quite well for myself, and I seem to have found someone who genuinely cares about me. Who doesn't manipulate or use force/guilt to try and get their way with me. Someone who's kind, caring, witty and just... All sorts of lovely. I find myself missing him, especially at times like these where I find myself desiring even simple little things, like just having a casual conversation. He's really a sweetheart and I'm immensely lucky that I found him, we have our little niggles here and there but they're never substantial and they're never something that really gets between us. I felt bad because I unwittingly invited my sister up on the day that marked three months, though he wasn't phased too much by it (He worked that day and had a meeting, so he wasn't home either). Still, I felt terrible about it because... Even if it was just for a few fleeting minutes, or an hour I would have given up the entire day for that. I wrote him a letter to try and make up for it - one I've been meaning to write for awhile actually - so I hope he really likes it. I've never really written a letter before, but it's something I've always wanted to do... Write a letter to someone whom I hold dear to my heart, and send it off to them. Oh! We've also been playing a campaign of Shadowrun together with some friends (he's gm'ing) and it's been a blast. He's got a knack for these sorts of things and I'm always a little anxious and excited to see what he's stirred up for us next.

I've a lot of appointments ahead of me next month, but honestly I'm just... Excited, excited for them even though I have to fast and get a blood test for the endocrinologist. I don't know, I just don't see any reason to dread them? With each I go to it feels like another step forward and that I'm making progress. I'm hoping my stuffs don't get adjusted any higher (though they may have to) as I'm already taking quite a few pills a day, but we'll see. I've been taking careful note of some of the changes and it's nice to be able to really visually observe a lot of it. I've filled out a decent amount in terms of figure (mostly my butt to be honest) and I've been steadily gaining weight - which is good since I'm underweight! - at about the rate of a pound per month. I'm at about an A-cup now so I figure in a few months I'll probably have filled out to a B (b is for besties by the way). Everything seems to be on the right track, and with voice therapy well I don't really have anything holding me back! So, myu~. I think I'll hold off the main-type procedure for now, and probably deal with that next year. You need to save quite a bit for the aftercare and other associated costs so I'd rather not sink my ship with debt by rushing into it.

I booked off my vacation for August-September in advance, and I just need to sort out a few last things before filling out a form for my passport and buying tickets - I'm going to the Netherlands to visit my sweetheart for those of you who have yet to hear my incessant swooning about it. Said niggles would be things like changing one's name and dealing with the mess of forms and bank accounts and blah blah that entails all of that so... That'll take a bit, but as soon as I get that through I just need to re-order my birth-certificate and redo my ID (Which will cost like 40$ altogether). The other things like my group benefits, healthcare card and SIN can wait for awhile since they're not important in terms of getting my passport. I figure my dad will be upset about me changing my last name, but honestly it's something he's just going to have to suck up and deal with. I suppose other things, plans.. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to visit Natty sometime this summer (Probably later in the summer by the looks of it) and also balance that with the costs from my trip. I'm deeply indebted to him for the time he and his wonderful mum gave me so I'd like to have a fair amount of spending money when I visit so I can treat him & his mum to stuff.

Anyways! That's all for now, I'm feeling a lot better (not sure if it's the tea or the writing) so I think writing a post was a good idea.

See ya' next time!