It's been awhile hasn't it? First I'd like to start off with something relatively simple since some of you have been bothering me to make a blog post. Fuck off. Kapeesh? Got it? Good. I don't write this blog to inform you about my life, believe it or not. It's not here for your enjoyment, it's my little outlet to express things that I don't care to actually say to anyone's face. It's not some escape where I discuss my dark secrets with trusted friends, it's a release where I pour my thoughts and feelings out into text. Sounds kind of weird? Well, it is I suppose. Considering that I scarcely talk to anyone about my problems - the one person I ever really did talk to doesn't consider me a friend anymore - it builds and I need to find a place to put things. Go figure, if you let the pressure in a bottle get high enough the top explodes and you're left to clean up the mess.
Anyways, I'll start with the most obvious things first I guess, medical bullshit. I finished up with my current tests and such and had them sent off, the woman there asked me when it was taken and I was about to facepalm considering that everything has to be dated by me on a little sheet anyways... At that she's also a receptionist so why does she even need to know? Dumbdumbdumb. Anyways, with that crud out of the way I got dragged into helping my brother fix up his girlfriend's apartment. Not really something ideal but it explains /some/ of my absence as of late... I've been mudding up holes in the wall and replacing the tape in a bathroom. It was tiring to say the least and I really don't look forward to doing that again... My shoes are covered in drywall mud now.
I kinda hung out around home then and talked to a few people... Some of them better than others I guess, haha. I'm pretty easy to down, so there's a quite few things that can kind of set me off and kill my mood for conversation. Questions are one of them, if someone berates me with the same question over and over it isn't even funny, this is like my ultimate weakness. I will block and remove you immediately if you even attempt to do this to me online. IRL? I break. I fracture into a million little pieces and I have a meltdown about it. The last time this really happened was about five years ago or so with my sister harping on me about my homework constantly... At the seventh time I just lost it and broke out crying. It makes me feel like I can't be trusted you know? Was my answer not good enough? I try to improve on my answer and sound reassuring but if I just keep getting hammered by the question it really gets to me and makes me feel like shit.
My second pet peeve in conversation is when people talk about me like I'm reliable. I'm not. I'm not some knight in shining armour or something coming down from the heavens at your beck and whim. I can barely pay back people when they get me things, do you really expect me to be able to stay calm in a dire situation? I don't know, it seems sort of dumb that people do this to me since... Yeah, maybe I'm reliable in terms of /loyalty/ but that doesn't mean you can depend on me for anything else. I'm just another brick in the wall, overly childish, trying to ignore their own problems as they constantly build up. There's way sturdier bricks... If you want someone who's socially reliable and who is going to keep a lot of your dates and stuff in check I am not your person. I hate scheduling, maybe it's because I have insomnia; I don't know. There's just something about it that always gets to me... I feel like I'm running out of time when there's someone relying on my to do something. Something really important I'll get around to, but it's the details that I suck with. Dinner at 6:00? Sure, I'll be there three weeks from now.
What's another one? Oh, this is kind of a strange one but I figure I'll toss this up anyways since it always makes me worry. People who say they're going to bed and then simply don't. I don't get that, what's up with that? I can see a delay but there's people who say "Yep, goodnight." and then they're still online for another hour. Generally you say goodnight just before you log off or something... To me it just sort of feels like if someone says goodnight during conversation and then stays around it's like saying "Go away, I don't want to talk to you right now." Maybe I'm just over-analyzing? Probably, I don't care too much to be honest though. It's always bothered me and it always will, so over-analyzing or no it's not going to just magically up and vanish because I hit an epiphany. I'm insecure, go figure.
So, I had an appointment at the dentist on Thursday and wound up staying at my sister's place until Sunday. It was uhh... Unpleasant to say the least. At first I had to get an x-ray, but it wasn't your conventional bite on these pads sort of thing... They took me to a backroom that had this large machine that I had to stand in. They told me to bite down on a bit of plastic coming from it - to expose my jaw or something I imagine - so I did... Then they strapped this head-band thingy to my head.. Uncomfortable. It's like on of those restraints you see on an electrical chair for the head, that sort of thing. Anyways, bite down.. Chin up, close your eyes. I close my eyes and she walks out of the room and then it turns on... It gives out this heinous whirring noise and makes lights in a horizontal flashing line... At least that's what I assume from the changes in brightness, my eyes were closed but that's definitely what it seemed like. The noise goes right to left and I can only assume the machine did too, and it starts going off. The world spins, I go lightheaded and I feel nauseous. This goes one for about fifteen seconds as I struggle just to remain standing... I feel sick already, and this is just the first part.
I continue to their chair where they proceed to stab my face with many sharp instruments and stick blunt objects on my gums. The dentist makes smalltalk with me about mosquitoes and such... He thought three in thirty seconds was bad... Haha, there's clouds of thousands of them around my house at dusk. Anyways, working working working... Him and another dentist go through dental gibberish in which I can only assume is numbers and types of teeth... He then turns to tell me that hey, my teeth are demineralizing (fun) and that I'm looking at about fifteen cavities if I don't do something about it. Do I have cavities right now? No, but apparently I could be looking at fifteen... Yaaaaaaay. FML, I take care of my teeth too. Anyways, he leaves blahblahblah and his assistant proceeds to correct him. "Actually he was only talking about the tops, all in all you're looking at about 30 cavities if we don't remineralize them, so anywhere from 1500 to 3500$. Oh, and your wisdom teeth are going to be problematic and you need all of them pulled."
Well, that's fucking lovely. Not only do I have something potentially bankrupting I have to get ALL OF MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED. I get a referral for a surgeon.. Who doesn't live anywhere near me... Quote? Sure, about 800$. Anyways, after they severely butcher my mouth and make everything hurt they let me go and give me a bottle of strennous... Strannous? Whogivesafuckous fluoride that I have to swish in my mouth for two minutes. Yay, dilute, shake, swish in mouth until your cheeks hurt. Let me tell you right now it tastes like crap and it makes your mouth feel like cotton. So, so far we're looking at 800$ assuming everything goes well, not including any potential medical costs since soon I'm not going to be covered by any healthcare plan. Yaaaaaaay. Did I ever mention that I hate dentists? Get out of my mouth you bastards.
So anyways, I'm at my sister's place still and it looks like I'm staying here longer than expected. Why you might ask? Because my mom wants me too. She suggested to my sister that I stay here longer because for whatever fucking reason she wants me out of the house. She told me sister not to say anything but my sister isn't a douchebag so she told me. Oh, they also want to ship me to Barrhead and make me work at a lumber mill there with my uncle. Don't know what Barrhead is? Look it up. It's a rural hick truck stop essentially. It's very backwater, it's medical facilities are absolute shit and it has like 2 police. So, yeah. My parents are talking about shipping me to a fucking lumber mill the second I leave the house and are contemplating preemptively moving all my stuff to my uncles and forcing me there. They even went as far to say that they would get the police involved... Don't you love it when your relatives let you in on the secret meetings of your parents? They can go fuck themselves. They put my shit in Barrhead they can bring it back or the police will be the ones after /them/ not me. That'd be theft, thanks. So yeah, my mom wants me to stay here longer because she wants to get rid of me. Remember earlier when I said I told my mom about something I've been kicking around for six years? Yeah... Pretty sure she's disowning me now considering that she's trying to get rid of me and force me into work - while I have money to pay bills at that - while I have medical problems. It's not even a question if I have problems either. Disease, or parasite. No alternative.
I don't know... It's really upsetting because I'd like to think I have a really good relationship with my mom and the fact that she's secretly so desperate to get rid of me, it well. Hurts. I love my mom a lot and out of anyone in the family she's the one I'm the most connected to... So to hear about how she's actually trying to get rid of me it's... Problematic. I lent her a bunch of money when she needed it, and have been trying to support her through her work crisis and such and I'm rewarded with what... Getting shipped to a lumber yard? Have I ever told you how much I hate my life? No? Well, I fucking hate it. It sucks for the most part. I'm uncomfortable, I'm in physical pain, I'm going through mental shit, and I'm lonely. Am I really so hapless as to have the ones I love pay no mind to me? I mean, literally ignoring me in many cases. I'm not stupid, I know the mechanics of what you use much better than you /ever/ could, don't think for a second that you're fooling me. I'm being ignored and pushed away by the people I feel strongly for. It's lame, to say the least.
Positive note is I'm finally replacing my suckass computer with something decent and I also got a laptop... All in all my costs are running me under 1200$ and I'm getting top of the line pretty much. Getting an ASUS computer and an Alienware m11x laptop. Computer is 530$ something and the laptop was 600$. It's going to be a pain to transfer all of my stuff but at least I won't be trying to work with 70 gigabytes of space anymore.
I hooked up with an ex of mine again, sort of. Not hooked up, by any means. We're just talking again, I added him because he was a member of the community I just recently got back to. He seems quite a bit different from how I remember him... Less angry to say the least. I actually don't recall why our relationship didn't work out anymore... There's a few things I roughly recall as being bad but it's pretty foggy at this point. Guess I'm losing my mind, haha. Oh, speaking of losing things I'm losing my vision sort of. Isn't that fun?
Imagine a layer of static over your vision... It's always there and it never goes away... It's like if you were to stare at a TV on a channel you don't have for a few hours and then trying to read a book. It's called visual snow and it's delightfully a non-specific symptom which means it could be caused by pretty much anything. It's getting worse, and it's getting pretty bad. I have 24/20 vision and it's making me unable to tell who people are beyond 20 feet. I can't make them out, at all. If I close my eyes it's still there, and it's always there. I can't even see the corners of a dark room because it's much easier to make out in the dark. It might be something from my insomnia maybe... I don't know, but it's getting in the way and I'm not quite sure what to do about it since you know... No amount of glasses will correct it.
I tried watching Elfen Lied since a lot of people liked it and... Well, I don't like it. I can't get into it at all which seems sort of strange. A big draw for me in a story like this is feeling sympathy for the main character and... I really don't. I got about four episodes in before I decided that the main character should probably just jump off a cliff. I have zero sympathy for people who go out of their way to carelessly main other people whether it be physically or psychologically. The one thing I did like is the music... But only to a certain extent... I much prefer the Vocaloid covers of the op since I seem to be into that sort of thing now.
So, here you go. That's about it. Life is pretty lame and a lot of people simply don't seem to catch onto that I'm not a happy camper. I'm amused that people are trying to keep up some facade that everything's alright but I'd seriously much rather have everything at face value than this beating around the bush. I'm surprised to be honest.. But someone that I haven't been on very good terms with a lot of times did exactly this. He told me to butt out and not get involved, "You're sick. Go do something else." is what it essentially boiled down to. So, thanks. I appreciated that someone can be a little stark in this day and age... It's refreshing. Maybe it's only because I'm not on the best terms with him that he said this? Who knows.
Oh and yeah, the picture at the top of course equates to me being sleepy... The title? Who knows, figure it out yourself.
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