Anguish.

If you're reading this, well. Good. Things are kind of complicated and it's hard to explain, I'm kind of bummed out but at the same time occasionally elated; I don't know. Anyways I suppose one of the main reasons you would be here as of late is to see what's happening, yeah I know - flouroscopy; "What's up with that?". Needless to say it was kind of... I don't know, I went over to results with my doctor and he made me read them out loud to him for some reason, it was kind of strange since I was actually looking at the medical document itself written up by someone.

Anyways, my esophagus is fine... That's good, I can swallow normally and there's no issues with that. There didn't appear to be any issues with my stomach either which is also a plus. Going further down there doesn't appear to be any problem with my duodenum - the beginning of one's intestines - and everything seemed normal. At the end of the intestines is known as the ileum and there wasn't an issue there either. You must be thinking that this is a good thing, but wait. We're leaving out something important here, what about the middle?

Well the middle is referred to as the jejunum has the most circular folds and highest vertebrate count out of any part of your intestines and absorbs the most nutrients, so it's sort of vital for the food going through your system. Anyways, I'm forced to read out the text on the page to my doctor... Things seem good, but in the middle of the summary there's bolded text, that can't be good. My doctor hasn't actually gone over this prior to me reading it so it's sort of awkward, he wanted to sit down and discuss results with me. Anyways, I read. "The jejunum has a mild to moderate increase in size of the membrane and irregularity in the folds of it." Now, to an untrained eye this is probably not very important... Whatever, probably negligible.

Boy, would you be wrong. This points to one of two problems that are either parasitic in nature or related to a disease. So, great. My tests essentially point to either me having a parasite in my body or that I have some sort of rare disease. Unfortunately the best option to go with here is the parasite, even though it can be potentially more problematic than a disease in some cases. But the thing is, I don't know and neither does the doctor. We have to do more tests to try and pin down what's causing it, it could be anything ranging from the absurdly rare to the unknown. So, that's wonderful... I feel like crap, I have troubles going to the bathroom and... Oh! I suffer from intense pain and cramping in my abdomen. What's my definition of intense? My definition of intense is pain that rivets through your body so badly that it causes you to fall over without being able to make exclamation.

Want to know the icing on the cake? I'm expected to get a job within the next six days and start paying rent, oh... And I'm not going to be covered under any health care plan pretty quick. Isn't that sweet? Not only am I going to have to start forking over cash to my parents who expect me to get a job when I'm going through this but soon I'm not even going to be able to SEE a doctor without robbing myself of every last penny I have! Splee, wonderful. The best part about this is how oblivious some people are, but personally if you're not going to go out of your way to maybe check this blog once even out of curiousity then you aren't really much of a friend. Oh, not to mention I have an entire roleplay community weighing down on my shoulders expecting me to come back and lead a faction. Personally though it's the least of my concerns, though it kills me since the cut-throat who despises me is after my position and is probably going to get it. I'll just toss it aside altogether if that happens to be honest, I'm already sort of avoiding the community just because of how much bullshit the lead admin lets him get away with.

Anyways... I've picked up roleplaying again with my friend Hyperiant and I've also started roleplaying on Neverwinter Nights again. Yeah, I'm sure some of you haven't heard of that in quite some time, most of you not at all. I play on a little (large) community called Arelith and have been kicking around there since 2006ish. It's a lot of fun and I've always liked the concept of DnD which NwN plays in with really well since it's based on the 3.5 rule set. It can be kind of frustrating at times since everyone always surpasses me in level tremendously but it's better than nothing, you know?

Anyways, stressed as fuck... Feel like I'm dying whenever I have to go to the bathroom and my appetite is going through the roof. It's better than before though since my appetite randomly curbed itself and I was barely eating at all... Now I'm suddenly eating three times as much. It's annoying, to say the least. I constantly have to run and grab something to eat. Harhar, and no, before you ask I'm -not- fat. I don't weigh anywhere near what I should as is so it's probably a good thing I'm eating more. Oh, I also changed my Steam name and avatar.

A lot of people don't get the reason why I picked the name Shade, it's not actually a nice thing or a nice title about myself, it's a very strong and vivid word I picked on purpose. Let's analyze what the shade is, well quite obviously it's the silhouette of an object that is in not allowing the passage of light. So, shade can essentially equate with being a shadow of something. Now, a shadow is generally an undefined blob that doesn't look much like what an actual person does. I chose the name Shade because that's exactly what I am, an undefined blob that is nowhere near to what I actually am, or actually was. I am simply a "shadow of my former self" to be cliche, and that's why I chose the name. So, my new name sort of follows this theme. Anguish, it's a pretty strong word and I think it's fitting? Why?

Because.

Pain.

Hurts.

A lot.

Yeah, that's about it. Anyways, music. Yes. My avatar is none other than the infamous Yowane Haku! Bwaha! Beware. Well, not really... Anyways, I was looking up Zatsune Miku and took a peak at a grouped picture with some other vocaloids and thought she was cute. So, I chose a slightly worrisome picture because I have a fatal attraction to other people's problems (Even though it's not a person) and then poked around some of her songs... It's pretty much just a lower octave Miku but I like it quite a bit, so here you go! Music.

Anyways, I have nothing really more to say. Life sucks, I'm really jealous of my ex and I kind of feel jilted by the situation I'm in. I can safely say that the other person I'm in love with isn't really aware of the extent of my problems which is... Fine by me. Last time I tried to talk to her about anything she ignored me and complained to someone that I was attention whoring. I love her, but she's not someone I would ever consider coming out about a legitimate problem ever again.

So, ciao.